Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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