bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
