Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize