i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
