I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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