I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
