Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
