I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
