It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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