The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
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when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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