she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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