He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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