Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
