I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
