Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
