made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
