It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
