This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
