3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
