I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
