Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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