I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
