Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
