Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
