In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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