Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
