What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He shit in the fireplace
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize