I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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