I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Rumble strips road head = magical
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
not ubering you a puppy
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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