Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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