2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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