I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
