Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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