FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
