My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
