i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
