there's paper in my vomit.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All I want is dick and wine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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