I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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