i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
