Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
