Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
