so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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