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walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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