i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.