Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
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