Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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