he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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