She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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