Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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