captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
