Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
