I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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