Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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